The Long and Winding Post: Three Months Later

Fair warning: this one is longer & winding…er.

It was three months ago today that I published The Long and Winding Post, wherein I pondered what I might do to keep myself occupied throughout the long, cold, and lonely winter. A lot has happened since then, and I thought an update was in order. But first, I want to delve into a bit of my history with regard to my life after my traumatic brain injury.

I know I reference my TBI quite often, and that it is because it has had a profound effect on me and my life. It has been a very long road to get to where I am today. However, if you don’t care to read this backstory, feel free to skip ahead to the update. I promise that my feelings won’t be hurt.

Living in a Dream World

I used to have plenty of interests, but that changed when I acquired my traumatic brain injury in September 2019. After the car accident that led to my TBI, I withdrew from life, and that included my family.[You can read part of my neuropsychological intake form here to see what I was experiencing at the time]

I spent months hiding from life—and my family—by living in a dream world. I spent my waking hours using the Live Home 3D app, where I was constantly creating new structures and placing them in different environments. These were things I could control down to where a light switch would be placed. In my mind, I was also escaping to these little worlds I was creating.

When I started “coming to,” I was a changed person and not for the better. I had no interest in anything I had previously loved to do. As I continued to heal, I continued to improve in many ways, but still the only thing I wanted to do was sit in my recliner. For the life of me, I could not find the motivation to do anything. While going through brain injury rehab, I found out there was a name for the issues I was dealing with: adynamia.

As time went on, my issues were compounded when I started dealing with extreme restlessness, which was most likely due to akathisia caused by the use of Abilify. Feeling the overwhelming need to be doing something and not having the wherewithal to get out of your recliner was torturous. So, even when I got to a place where I was showing more interest in things like baking, I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I’d just sit in my chair being driven mad by unrelenting restlessness.

Roadblocks to Recovery

I found out from a therapist I was seeing that some adynamia patients were being successfully treated with ADHD medications. For the first time, there was a glimmer of hope. I just needed a referral to a psychiatrist.

It would be a long road to psychiatric help, however.

First I would need a referral from the psychologist. That required several therapy sessions. I faithfully followed through on all of my sessions and finally got my referral to the psychiatrist. A couple of days after I scheduled my appointment, however, I received news from my attorney that my car insurance had terminated my medical benefits. There went my glimmer of hope.

I immediately filed a lawsuit against my car insurance company. It took 13 months, but I won my case. It then took nearly six more months for my benefits to be reinstated. At that point, I was finally able to meet with the psychiatrist. On May 16, 2023, after three years of waiting, I had my first appointment. Since the psychiatrist specialized in traumatic brain injuries, he was all too familiar with the issues I was dealing with. He prescribed Ritalin.

Finally! I was elated, but I was also nervous. Medication was my last hope. What if it didn’t work?

Regaining Inner Peace

Unfortunately, I would have that answer to that question within a week. After taking the Ritalin for a few days, I still had no motivation to do anything. But what it did do was quell the anxiety surrounding my lack of motivation, and it just helped me feel calm in general. Because I wasn’t as anxious, I found myself less stressed about household chores. By relieving that stress, I found it a bit easier to tackle those chores, and for that reason the psychiatrist agreed to keep me on Ritalin.

While Ritalin does not accumulate in the body, this drug has had a cumulative effect on me. I don’t really understand it. I just know that the longer I have taken it, the better my life has become.

1. I am experiencing much less anxiety while driving. As a result of PTSD from the accident, I quit leaving my house/driving unless it was absolutely necessary. Getting into the car for any frivolous reason was not going to happen because by doing that, I was needlessly increasing the risk of something bad happening. However, thanks to Ritalin, that is slowly starting to change.
2. The Ritalin makes me feel calm and at peace. I am no longer plagued by constant restlessness. In fact, after I take my Ritalin, I can happily stare off into space for the longest time, feeling perfectly content to be alone with my thoughts.
3. My motivation is slowly coming back. I am finding it easier to initiate tasks.
4. I am once again filled with joie de vivre. I am no longer merely existing. Instead, I look forward to each new day.
5. I am slowly starting to enjoy hobbies and projects again.

That last one plays a key part in how I’m spending this winter as opposed to last winter. Just one short year ago, I was home all alone and miserable. I had nothing but empty hours to fill. While I would sit restlessly in my recliner, I couldn’t muster any motivation to do anything—not that I had any interests in the first place.

Fast forward to last November, four months after I began taking Ritalin, and I was actively setting goals for the winter ahead. I cannot believe it’s been three months since then and life has only gotten better. And that is the reason for this whole preamble. I want people to have some understanding of where I started and how far I’ve come. My goals are everyday occurrences for most people, but they represent so much more to me. I am beginning to live again, and it feels wonderful.

So how have I been spending the winter?

A Season for Growth

First thing’s first: yes, Sam is living happily in New Zealand, where she has been for just over a month now. A few weeks back, she travelled from Christchurch to beautiful Kaikōura, where she spent a relaxing weekend. Then, next week she will be traveling to Ashburton to see the Royal New Zealand Ballet perform scenes from Swan Lake. Finally, in March she will be enjoying the turquoise beauty of Lake Tekapo.

Back home in Michigan, time has flown by, and I’m doing surprisingly well with being alone. It was hard the first few days, but since then it’s been fine. I think that is because there is a rhythm to my days: blogging & coffee, chores, errands, & appointments, leisure time, cooking & eating dinner, evening chores, and then winding down for the night. I have found that I thrive when I have a routine. I didn’t have that last winter while Sam was gone, and experienced a lot more anxiety and loneliness.

Back in November, I was feeling some trepidation about the upcoming winter months—not only about the anxiety & loneliness I just mentioned, but I also had concerns about seasonal depression. Little did I know at the time that, on top of the seasonal stuff, I would be withdrawing from Abilify.

However, I am happy to report that I have neither dealt with the usual seasonal depression, nor have I had any ill effects from my Abilify withdrawal. I have gone from a 10 milligram dose down to 1 milligram, so I’m almost completely weaned. Unfortunately, the tardive dyskinesia has not improved as of yet, but I remain hopeful.

So all in all, I’ve been doing really well over the winter, which leads me to the list of goals I created last November. I guess “goals” isn’t the right word. My ultimate goal was to keep myself occupied, and I identified six areas I would like to work on to that end:

1. strength training,
2. genealogy,
3. historical research,
4. blogging, 
5. baking, and
6. cooking

While I identified the areas I hoped to work on, I was not sure if I would be inspired to work on something completely different. However, there was no such inspiration. I was pretty set on what I already had in mind. Let’s take a look at how things are going.

Strength training: Nope. There will be no strength training happening this winter. It hasn’t even been on my radar. However, I am happy to report that a lot of my strength has come back since my weight has stabilized. I lost a lot of weight over two years, and by the end of that period, I had also lost a lot of muscle mass as a result. Now that I am no longer losing weight, I am not feeling that overwhelming weakness.

As far as exercise goes, I’ve always enjoyed strength training. But I hate “exercise.” I love physical activity if I’m engaged in something I enjoy, but exercise routines bore me to tears. I have also struggled with routines throughout my life, but it’s been especially difficult to establish routines since my TBI.

Genealogy: My free three-month Ancestry subscription ended just two days ago without me ever having utilized it. I thoroughly exhausted my zest for genealogical research during my three-month binge last fall. This is typical for me; I hyper focus on something until I’m sick of it. At some point, I’ll get in the mood again, although it probably won’t be for another year or two.

Historical research: There are two different stories that I wish to write someday, and they both require access to military records. The first story takes place during WWII, and I requested and received the subject’s military records from the National Personnel Records Center; however, it only included documents relating to his discharge, which didn’t provide much information beyond what I already knew.

The second story requires Civil War records for three of my ancestors. Because each set of records costs $30.00, I only requested records for one ancestor. I wanted to see what all was included in the records to determine if it was going to be worth my while to spend an additional $60.00 for the other two sets of records.

It has been four months since I submitted my record request to the National Archives and Records Administration and nothing. Additionally, my follow-up emails have gone unanswered.

Last fall, I performed some of the necessary historical research for these stories, but I lost interest while waiting for records. Yes, this is a common theme for me, and it frustrates me. I was so passionate about these stories but, as of now, I’m on a hiatus from writing them. My brain has moved on, as it does. Hopefully, it will circle back at some point.

Blogging: Surprise, surprise! I am still waking up at 5:00 a.m. [more like 4 a.m. lately]. I take my Ritalin, make my coffee, and then set about blogging. These days “blogging” encompasses much more than writing.

Back in November, when I wrote The Long and Winding Post, I had only been blogging for a month, and my genealogy focus had just given up the ghost. I wasn’t sure what I should write about. I wasn’t even sure if I would continue blogging. At the time, I was blogging via my free account at WordPress.com, never imagining that in less than two months, not only would I still be blogging, but I’d have my own website up and running…and everything that entails.

I still haven’t settled into a niche, and it’s doubtful I ever will. I’ve been having fun experimenting with different posts, and I can’t see myself permanently zeroing in on any one thing. Yeah, this is going to make it difficult to grow my audience, but the bottom line is this blog is for me.

Besides the new-found joy I’ve experienced since developing a love of writing, I have come to understand myself better. When I am writing introspective posts, I am forced to really sit with my thoughts. Additionally, as I try to distill and articulate my thoughts and feelings into words, I have gained a deeper understanding of the emotions swirling beneath the surface.

This process has been instrumental in healing from the despair and anger I’ve felt due to my TBI. By acknowledging and expressing these emotions, I’ve been able to release their hold and move forward with greater clarity. This newfound self-awareness has empowered me to set goals for the future and embrace the possibilities that lie ahead.

Baking: I have been doing some baking! I’m rusty as hell and a bit intimidated, so I haven’t done a lot of it. Right now, I’m just gently easing myself back into baking, and I have a few future projects in mind.

So far, baking hasn’t been as enjoyable as it used to be, but I think that is due to the anxiety I’m feeling towards it. I am hoping that, by getting a few more projects under my belt, it will help me overcome that anxiety.

I need to find some projects that get me excited to head into the kitchen. I know they’re out there, but I just haven’t discovered them yet. I’m open to suggestions! What I’m not open to is anything that involves decorating…and no macarons!

Cooking: This one has surprised me. I have been immensely enjoying cooking! It has been fun to search out new recipes to try, especially since I don’t have to account for anyone’s tastes but mine.

Going into this, I knew I’d have to cook simply because I had to eat. Since I have despised cooking since my TBI, I really wanted to approach cooking with a positive attitude; I would try to view it as an opportunity to try new things. However, when the time came, there was no “trying” necessary; being in the kitchen felt nice, and I found myself wanting to cook.

I was in no rush, so I was able to take my time and work methodically. I enjoyed gathering and preparing my ingredients. I just love dicing, chopping, mincing, and slicing produce into colorful piles. I find it very relaxing. I also talk myself through the necessary steps, which for some reason, I find helpful.

Additionally, in the past I would rigidly stick to a recipe. This time has been totally different, however. I have been feeling so relaxed, which has opened me up to experimentation. I have even been developing some of my own recipes.

Another aspect to all of this has been my “$50.00 a Week Challenge,” which I have truly enjoyed. It has been fun to create meal plans within my $50.00 budget. I love using spreadsheets, so I look forward to tallying up my groceries and seeing how much I have saved. I also take pleasure in putting my posts together because it is an opportunity to reflect on the past week and journal my thoughts.

These simple acts have removed the drudgery from meal planning and shopping. In fact, my agoraphobic self has even started looking forward to her weekly shopping trip. The end result is me anticipating getting to work in the kitchen because I no longer view cooking as a dreaded chore.

And in the End

So, yeah, winter’s not so bad after all. Sure, there are still days when I miss Sam’s company, and the occasional bout of restlessness tries to rear its ugly head. But overall, I’m holding my own. Who knows, maybe next winter I’ll even tackle strength training or finally write one of my stories. But for now, I’m content to keep exploring new recipes, tinkering with blog posts, and savoring the simplicity of finding joy in each day. After all, sometimes the biggest victories come in the smallest moments.