Transition Out Of Chaos, Part Two

In my previous post, I discussed how a significant aspect of my journey towards becoming Tidy Sam™ involved the lessons I picked up from the book How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. This book delves into two key themes. First she states, “You don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you.” Secondly, she asserts that cleanliness and tidiness are morally neutral and do not define your worth as a person.  

For the first time in my life, someone was telling me that I was not a lazy failure for being messy, and that was life changing. 

Shame and Guilt: The Never-Ending Cycle

“No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health.”

Shame and guilt are what I have operated on most of my life. My inner dialogue has been a relentless stream of self-criticism, focusing on my shortcomings, perceiving my self as lazy, and chiding myself for my lack of effort. Every moment of relaxation has been tainted by guilt over what I “should” be doing instead. However, I’ve come to realize that this approach only breeds self-hatred and disappointment, which has only exacerbated my mental health struggles and perpetuated a vicious cycle of inaction.

So how do we break this cycle of shame and guilt? We start to look at tidiness and cleaning as morally neutral. First of all, it is crucial to acknowledge that a pile of unwashed laundry or a cluttered space doesn’t define our worth as an individual. We need to change the way we speak to ourselves. We must adopt a more compassionate and understanding tone—just as we’d talk to a friend. We also need to start looking at our homes as a place that serves us. We should not be slaves to our homes. Instead, the home should be functioning for the needs of the family within it.

The Five Things Method

Normally looking at my chaotic bedroom, feeling overwhelmed, and not knowing where to begin, I typically curse myself for letting it get to that state. This time was different. I looked at my bedroom and sighed, saying to myself, “This space has reached the end of its functional cycle,” a line I picked up from the book. I told myself out loud that I am not a bad person just because my room is chronically in disarray (even though at the time I was just going through the motions and I did believe I was a bad person).

I sat down on my bed and started to think. I pictured what I wanted my room to look like. I then asked myself, “What do I need for this space to be functional?” I organized the different areas in my mind, deciding what each space in my room needed to be used for. Then I wrote all of my ideas down. 

The “Five Things Method” outlined in the book provided a practical starting point. KC explains that every room boils down to containing only five things: trash, laundry, dishes, things with a home, and finally things without a home. By simplifying the objects in a room into these five categories, it becomes easier to have a starting point for tidying. 

Starting with the laundry category, which was my primary obstacle, I gradually worked through each category, reclaiming order from chaos. I then piled everything without a home onto my bed…and boy do I have A LOT of shit! I grabbed some boxes and packaged the remaining items—like with like. Finally, I threw the remaining odds and ends into a box, which I labeled “DOOM”. 

It was a tedious process punctuated by health setbacks and periods of depression, but I persevered. And in time, I found a home for almost everything. The stuff that remains homeless is in a now-smaller box labeled “DOOM”, which is shoved in the back of my closet. I guess that means it’s not homeless anymore! 

I’ll be fair and say that I haven’t had much time to see how well I manage to maintain it. I got it 95% completed by mid-November, and I finally finished it right before I came to New Zealand in January. I will say that over Christmas it did not get as bad as usual, so there’s progress. 

Finding What Works for You

“What is quickest is not always what’s functional.”

“Sam, why don’t you just clean as you go?!” As I type, I can hear my mom’s voice sighing this phrase. I drive her insane when I cook and create little messes all over the kitchen. I’ve tried telling her that it is impossible for me to do it—that my brain simply doesn’t work that way. I have never understood why, and for years I’ve felt like it was a major flaw within me. So imagine my surprise when I read that KC has this same problem. Not only that, but she put into words why it’s so difficult: “Trying to clean up every mess as it’s made fractures my attention span and makes me feel frazzled.” And I agree with that.

For me,  it’s so much easier to clean up a big dinner mess the next morning than it is for me to attempt to clean as I go. While making dinner, if I try to pick up the dirty dishes and put ingredients away, I get distracted and feel incredibly overwhelmed. When I attempt cleaning up as I’m cooking, it makes it unbearable to cook. It may take more time to save the mess for after dinner or even the next morning, but it works so much better for me.

KC explains that it is necessary to find ways that work for you. You need to figure out how to bypass those executive function issues and how to make unpleasant tasks more tolerable. Doing that is better than the mother-approved “proper” way of doing things.

Methods That Worked for Me

How to Keep House While Drowning was where I first learned the name of one of my biggest issues: task initiation. One out of the many strategies that resonated most with me was “body doubling.” Body doubling is simple: ask a friend or family member to join you while you tackle a task, during which time, they can provide help or even just moral support. This proved especially effective for me as having my mom alongside me motivated me to stay on track. My mom has also struggled with task initiation due to her own brain injury from the car crash. Therefore, we decided that we would have a set chore time when we would tidy and clean together. And it worked. 

Additionally, we adopted another strategy from the book: cyclical tasks. Cyclical tasks are those chores to which you assign designated days. This method helped Mom and I establish a routine, which alleviated the overwhelming burden of decision-making. Creating a chore chart for Mom and I, as well as designating a laundry day for my dirty laundry—regardless of load size—helped me stay on top of household tasks. 

There was a period of depression where I went for four weeks without doing my laundry (I own a lot of underwear…). However, for the first time during that period of depression, I focused on nurturing myself. I tried not to guilt myself over the ever-growing pile of laundry and the dirty bathroom. I tried to remind myself that I was in a bad headspace, and that once I recovered, I would get back into the groove. I reminded myself that my pile of laundry was a symptom that I was not well, not a flaw in my character. 

Half-Assing It

“If something is worth doing, it’s worth half-assing.”

This phrase has become my mantra, and I believe it is the direct reason I am a tidier person now. There are days I can barely get out of bed, and I stare in the mirror knowing I should brush my teeth. On those days, I tell myself that it’s worth half-assing, and I quickly run my toothpasted-toothbrush over my teeth. Embracing imperfection and focusing on functionality rather than perfection has been liberating. No more shame or guilt over tasks not being done perfectly or properly. Because what is perfect and proper for me is to keep myself functioning.

Functioning Is More Important Than Saving the World

Lastly, the book challenged my perspective on accessibility and waste. In our modern society of guilt and shame, it is pushed on us that we are responsible for saving the world. “Don’t use single use items! Recycle or donate items that are no longer needed! Don’t throw them away! Pre-packaged food is evil!” So on and so forth.

I agree that we should concern ourselves with protecting the environment to the best of our abilities, but that’s the thing, our abilities are all different. While environmental concerns are important, it’s crucial to prioritize taking care of ourselves over guilt-driven eco-consciousness. Accepting that certain single-use items make life more manageable during difficult times is important to freeing ourselves from guilt and shame. As KC aptly puts it, “It’s not waste if you are using something to function.” 

What do safety demonstration videos always impress upon us when flying? “Put your own mask on before helping others—even children.” This is because we cannot help others when we are in danger ourselves. When we are ill, disabled, or suffering in some manner, every day becomes a struggle just to get through.

Finding ways to function in spite of our disabilities is imperative to our own health and self-care. For example, my use of single-use cleaning wipes allows me to keep my bathroom sink clean—even when I’m at my lowest. This keeps my bathroom clean, which is important since I have a compromised immune system. For a long time, I felt guilt over the single use items I use, but over time I have let go of that guilt. It makes life easier and more accessible for me. KC says it best, “You are not responsible for saving the world if you are struggling to save yourself.”

There is so much more amazing information, validation, and tips in How to Keep House While Drowning. I think everyone should read it at least once, even if they don’t think they need it. I could probably write for days on every little way the book has helped me, but I have touched on the parts that have had the most meaningful impact on me and my life.

“Care tasks exist for one reason only: to make your body and space functional enough for you to easily experience the joy this world has to offer.”

In Conclusion

My journey with tidying has become more than just a personal transformation. It’s fostered a sense of understanding and shared experience with my mom. Together, we’ve discovered strategies that work for our unique needs, creating a supportive environment where we can tackle chores as a team.

This newfound ability to manage our space has a ripple effect. It reduces stress, fosters a sense of accomplishment, and frees up mental space for other pursuits. Perhaps by sharing my story, I can inspire others to find their own path towards a more functional and joyful life, one small step at a time.