Overcoming Fear & Finding My Voice
On October 22, 2023, I published my first-ever blog post titled The Man Who Started It All, wherein I document my 20-year search for details about my elusive second great-grandfather. This quest for answers is what first got me hooked on genealogical research over 20 years ago, and through writing about him, I have also discovered a love of blogging. Now, despite enjoying this new-found hobby, I wonder if I even belong in the blogosphere.
At first, I was very self conscious about the quality of my writing. While I’ve always been a decent enough writer, I’m not that good—especially since my TBI. The thought of continuing to hit “publish” on these posts scared the hell out of me. I was publicly broadcasting my thoughts, feelings, and writing skills for the whole world to see, which was a bit overwhelming to this anxiety-riddled, introverted agoraphobe.
On the other hand, I had immensely enjoyed all of the writing I had been doing. I had even developed an early morning writing ritual that I began looking forward to. It also occurred to me that blogging was beneficial for my brain. I thought, perhaps, if I continued to write it may help improve my cognition. And with that realization, I felt hope for the first time in a long while. The decision had been made; I would continue blogging.
Embracing the Unknown
I initially began blogging by creating a free account at WordPress.com. However, as I started depleting my allotted 1 GB of storage, I quickly realized that continued blogging on this platform would be anything but free. In order to carry on with my blogging, I would need to buy a domain and pay to host it. Based on my negligible finances, I really could not see myself going to all the trouble. I had to sit with this for a while.
When I saw how cheap it was to buy my own domain, I thought, “Why not just get one for a year?” And so I did. After shelling out $6.16, I became the official owner of “genericjen.com”—at least for the next 365 days. Once I purchased my domain, I was then faced with a decision: to host or not to host?
The answer was easy. The company through which I bought my domain offered a 30-day free trial on their basic hosting plan. Who can say no to “free”? I certainly couldn’t. And so I embarked on my adventure as a web designer. At that point, I barely knew my SSL from my DNS. What could go wrong?
The Accidental Web Designer
It turns out: everything. I am the opposite of tech savvy, but here I was designing my own website. I mean it’s not like I was creating it from scratch; I was building my site with WordPress. While there is a learning curve with WordPress, I don’t need to know how to code or anything—although that would be handy.
However, in order to succeed in this endeavor, I needed at least a rudimentary knowledge of this “tech shit.” Coding aside, it’s still a whole new language to learn. And there I was feeling like a tourist in a foreign country with only a pocket guidebook. Despite my ignorance, though, I managed to cobble together a website I was happy with for the time being.
Four Years Upfront: A Commitment That Makes Me Sweat
Within a week, I decided that I was determined to continue blogging, and I so I moved forward with purchasing a hosting plan. The process of choosing a hosting company was daunting. There are a million different companies all with their pros and cons. But with a little bit of googling and a lot of redditing, I was able to make my decision. There was a catch, however. While the chosen company offered an excellent deal that worked out to less than $4.00/month, it was a four-year commitment…and I’d have to pay for all four years upfront.
I’m not usually one to make rash financial decisions; however, I feel like I kinda-sorta made one here. My blog is not monetized, so there would be no return on investment. Plus, if I grow bored of blogging within the next four years, I’ve wasted money, and I’m really not in the position to be wasting money.
On the other hand, I don’t have a lot of hobbies—hell, I don’t even leave the house. And blogging had honestly improved my quality of life. There was also the fact that I had been left with a small nest egg after settling with my car insurance. That damn car accident had taken a lot from me. Why not take some of it back by investing in myself? So, I went ahead and bit the bullet.
Migration Frustration
Now that I had made my decision to switch hosts, I naively assumed the free website migration would be a breeze. “Fill in the form; they handle the rest,” I thought. How wrong I was.
My initial attempt was met with invalid credential errors—a frustrating dead end. The form kept rejecting my seemingly correct details, leaving me bewildered. Finally, after a long hunt, I reached “chat support”—only to be greeted by a chatbot.
A human being eventually appeared, but a language barrier or lack of understanding rendered them useless. They kept repeating generic troubleshooting steps, ignoring my specific issue. By this point, I was feeling frustrated and unheard, and when the chat agent inevitably ghosted me, I lost it. I rage-quit and sought a refund.
Just as I was lamenting my lost deal, an email from a different chat agent arrived. He grasped the issue instantly, explaining it was a simple fix. He also apologized for my previous experience and was an all-around professional.
I was now filled with regret for hastily seeking a refund. After sleeping on it, the next morning I decided to give the company another shot. That afternoon Paula, another helpful chat agent, helped me successfully submit a migration request. Migration was surely imminent!
Success! Wait. Nevermind.
Except it wasn’t. Two failed migrations later, I was at the end of my rope. Determined, I took matters into my own hands, downloaded my website files and database onto Google Drive, and braced myself for another failure notification.
Miraculously, success! Or so I thought. Logging into WordPress revealed a sea of red errors—gibberish to my non-developer eyes. Back to the chat I went, only to encounter another clueless agent who sent me off with confusing instructions. Tears streamed down my face—the culmination of a frustrating day. My once-perfect website was unusable, and the responsible company seemed indifferent.
Morning brought renewed hope. Hesitantly, I gave chat support one last shot. The wait was long, but eventually, someone who actually understood the problem appeared. One by one, the errors vanished! My website was finally restored, and it felt like a miracle. While the journey had been bumpy, the final success made it all worthwhile.
“Building an Audience?” Easy, Right? Not Quite.
So I had bought a domain, set up a website, bought four years of hosting, and went through hell transferring my website. I figured, for all of that trouble, I might as well see if I can build an audience. Oh, sure. Great. No problem. I’m definitely spectacular at marketing myself. It’s not like a severe case of imposter syndrome has ever held me back from anything and everything I’ve ever wanted to achieve in life.
Sacrificing Joy for Rankings
First things first, if you want to build an audience, you have to find a niche. Well, we immediately hit a snag. That just was not going to work for me because my brain doesn’t operate that way. I want to write about whatever is in my head at that moment. I discovered that early on when I tried writing solely about genealogy. When I inevitably got bored with my genealogical pursuits, I also got tired of writing about it. [Yes, I probably have ADHD.]
Next, I started reading about search engine optimization (SEO). Mailchimp, an Atlanta-based marketing platform, describes SEO as “the process used to optimize a website’s technical configuration, content relevance and link popularity so its pages can become easily findable, more relevant and popular towards user search queries, and as a consequence, search engines rank them better.”
There’s a whole industry built around SEO, and here I was trying to educate myself on how to do it. I was inundated with information on topics such as meta descriptions, title tags, backlinks, and The Big Boy: keyword research. It was all so overwhelming. And maybe I’m misunderstanding it all, but I really don’t want to focus my writing around making sure I have the correct keywords in the correct places. That would suck all the fun out of writing.
With two huge strikes against me, my aspirations of building an audience were dead in the water.
Feeling Foolish, Facing Embarrassment: Is It Worth the Clicks?
At the same time I was learning about niches and SEO, I was also reading pointers from other bloggers. One recurring piece of advice was to utilize social media. Oh great. That’s another thing I’m not good at. I am a consummate lurker who barely interacts on my own social media.
Regardless, I immediately created social media accounts for my blog on a handful of popular social platforms. I felt foolish then, and I feel foolish now. Here I am dutifully updating these accounts each day when I have zero reach. It’s embarrassing. Is it really worth exchanging my dignity for a few clicks? I guess so—for now at least. I’m only a couple of weeks in. I think will stick it out and see what happens over time.
And my silly social media accounts aren’t my only source of embarrassment. Let’s also touch on the fact that the only cameras I own are those on my iPad and my first-generation iPhone SE. People who visit blogs want to see beautiful, professional photography. Ol’ 8-megapixel Jen over here doesn’t stand a chance. For instance, how the hell do I make a bowl of potato soup look the least bit appetizing in this situation? I did my best, but I can’t compete with the competition:
But, in all honesty, do I want to compete?
No. I don’t think I do.
Embracing the Simple Pleasure of Writing
I just want to have fun writing. And that is why I started my blog in the first place. I still don’t know if I belong here, but when have I ever belonged? I’ve always felt like a bit of an outsider in a world that wasn’t created for me. I think that is why I am so conflicted about using social media for my blog. I don’t have social fluency. I don’t have social currency. I don’t even value those things. So why am I putting myself in this situation?
It’s simple. I would like to make genuine connections with people. I would like my words to resonate with others. Despite my introversion and difficulty socializing, I still want to communicate with others in a meaningful way, and the best way I know how is through the written word. I am searching for community in the only way I know how.
I find every aspect of in-person socialization to be difficult. But there’s a different kind of connection I crave—one built on shared interests and authentic expression. I feel like my blog might allow me to connect with individuals who appreciate my writing and engage in meaningful conversations about the topics I care about. This kind of deeper connection, even if it happens online, makes the effort of putting myself out there worthwhile.
Awaiting the Unknown
So, in short, the blog stays, and the social media stays…for now. It’s a messy, imperfect journey, but isn’t that life? I may not belong in the traditional blogosphere, but I’m carving out my own little corner, one post at a time.
Is this the “right” path? I don’t know. The blogging world may not have been built for introverts like me, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe we need to build our own spaces—awkward social media and all. Who knows, maybe in the quiet corners of the internet, I’ll find the connections I truly crave.
