Some would see me as something of a fraud. After all, I started a blog about genealogy because I am all about family, and genealogy is a way for me to feel a deeper connection with them. I am a very traditional, extremely sentimental person whose whole world revolves around her family, and yet I am estranged from some of mine.
I already celebrated Thanksgiving this past Saturday. My brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew traveled over two hours to be with my girls & I for a Thanksgiving meal. This was the first Thanksgiving that we have all shared together, and I hope it will not be the last. They stayed overnight, and it was such a nice time that went by entirely too fast. However, we will gather again next month for Christmas at their house.
As I have reflected on their visit as well as our upcoming Christmas gathering, I am filled with thankfulness for these four special people—my chosen family. According to Merriam-Webster, “chosen” means “selected or marked for favor or special privilege.” And it has taken me fifty years to realize that allowing people into our lives is a special privilege. We are best when allowed to be ourselves—flaws and all—and the people we allow into our lives should be those who would say, “You are enough,” instead of using our shortcomings as leverage against us. Life is too short for anything else.
Last year during the holidays, I had to make the difficult decision to sever ties with some family members. I remained in an unhealthy relationship far too long with a selfish & abusive person due to fear, guilt, and obligation. When other family members decided to involve themselves in this relationship, things quickly became too much for me to handle. I was at the point where my physical health was suffering, and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Things had come to a head, and I was forced to make a decision. For the first time in my life, I chose what was best for me.
While I have dealt with complicated feelings throughout the ensuing year, my mental, physical, and emotional well-being have much improved. I am finally at a place where I feel a great sense of relief to just be done. After a whole lifetime of internalizing abuse, I am finally internalizing this: Just because someone shares DNA with you, does not mean they are entitled to a relationship with you.
Relationships should be a special privilege offered only to those who are willing to commit to a healthy relationship—ourselves included. No one is perfect, and we all fall short sometimes, but control, manipulation, and guilt are something entirely different and have no place in a relationship. While society pushes the sentiment that you should stick by family no matter what, I would challenge you to define what “family” actually means to you. Is family simply an accident of birth? Or can it be something more? Do we have a choice in the matter, or has the Universe chosen for us?
I have thought a lot about these things over the past several months, and I am finally realizing what family means to me. Even though I may have warm memories of many good times with those in which I have severed ties, that does not mean I owe them anything or need to open myself to further abuse. I am getting much better at holding these opposing ideas together at the same time. I am realizing I can fondly remember the happy times while acknowledging that these people are not healthy for me to have in my life. I certainly do not hate these people, nor do I wish them ill will; I have simply accepted that they are not willing or able to commit to having a healthy relationship with me.
As there are more and more people like me coming forward about our estrangement from members of our family, I am hoping the prevailing societal & cultural belief that “blood is thicker than water” is shifting. There are too many negative judgments associated with estrangement, such as “They are being childish!,” “What an ungrateful brat!,” and “They need to stop being so vindictive.” The reality is that in many cases, these judgments could not be further from the truth. We don’t expect others to put up with abuse from a stranger. Why, then, do we expect people to put up with abuse from the people who are supposed to love them?
Family is important. Family is vital. Family is the essential building block of society, after all. But family is not one-size-fits-all. Relationships are complicated, and the circumstances are always much more nuanced than they would appear to outsiders. This is especially true when substance abuse, mental illness, and generational trauma are present—and they usually are in situations like mine. And rarely is estrangement a knee-jerk reaction. Most of us have spent years trying to make things work only to finally realize that change cannot be unilateral.
To whomever may be reading this, if your circumstances are similar to mine a year ago, I understand you are doing your best with a complicated situation. I hope that, going forward, you are able to make the right decision for you and your well-being. And regardless of your decision, there will be no judgment from those of us who have walked in your shoes.
To those of you like me this year, who have had to go no-contact with a toxic family member, I hope that you are surrounded by your chosen family—whether they are related by blood or good friends you have found along the way. I also hope that you are being kind to yourself. You have done your best with the circumstances you were handed.
To those who are wondering if they, themselves, could be toxic, there is plenty of help available in the form of books, online resources, and therapy. You are a courageous person to be able to take an honest look at yourself and to acknowledge that you may be a part of the problem.
To all of us, when faced with Life’s difficulties, may we each find serenity, courage, and wisdom.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”